Some time ago, a friend of mine and I hired a helicopter to fly us from Vienna to Wrocław. The story regarding this is, in my humble opinion, extremely funny, albeit long. Therefore, I decided to write it up so that instead of explaining it for ~45 minutes each time somebody asks, I can simply link this post.

A trip to Slovenia

Late August, my friend, Tobi, and I decided to meet up in Slovenia for our second ever in-person meeting. Tobi and I worked together at Opera, and we had met just once before IRL for a small rendezvous. This time, we decided to book one-way tickets to Slovenia, and just travel for a few weeks without any real destination.

Once we arrived and got ourselves comfortable in Ljubljana, we started to work out … where we should actually go. I had already been to Slovenia before, but it was Tobi’s first, so I worked out a plan for us, but we still had no idea when this whole adventure would end or where. I was also working at the time, but I’m always up for some trouble-making while away from home.

We eventually agreed that we should end up in Wrocław: right in between where we both live (Berlin, Kraków). Not only that, but Opera’s office is in Wrocław, so we could meet old friends.

The only problem was actually getting to Wrocław. I absolutely hate long-distance buses, and Tobi had never taken such a bus before. Indeed, the connections from Slovenia to Poland are extremely limited. A direct train now exists (due to the Poland - Croatia line), but getting tickets is impossible. A bus connection would have taken over 17 hours, and a train connection (which Tobi was generally accustomed to) would have taken a similarly dreadfully long time. While discussing this, I joked, “why can’t we just take a private jet?” The problem with many of my jokes is that they can turn into reality pretty quickly: those that know me know I like to take things too far sometimes.

So, somewhat now less jokingly, I suggested, “huh, I wonder if we can actually do that? Or how about a helicopter?” So, we popped down to the (extremely cool) design studio / coffee store next to our airbnb, and began our investigation.

Checking Helicopter Companies

Private jets were out of the question, for three reasons: 1) too expensive for too few people, 2) this was not an Instagram photo shoot (and I did not want to be associated with these losers that take pictures on private jets to feel rewarded in life), 3) I’ve flown in a private jet before (am I cool yet? pictures not included.)

I’d actually flown in a helicopter before, in Pyongyang, North Korea – but I completely forgot about it when we were planning this.

Pyongyang Airport (2017)	The power of Juche blessing my camera

Finding a helicopter from Slovenia to Poland seemed unlikely: Slovenia is a small place, and it was unlikely a company would really cater to such requests. So I thought, why not somewhere bigger and closer? So, Vienna it was.

Looking for Vienna to Wrocław helicopter trips, we had a few options, but many of the companies offer exorbitant prices, as “they are based in Warsaw, and would have to fly all the way.” $15,000 USD for a ~1.5 hour trip wouldn’t be worth it.

Eventually, while we were in the Slovenian history museum looking at photos, posters, and other artefacts about Slovenia’s history (especially its fight against Fascist Italy, induction to Yugoslavia, and subsequent independence from Yugoslavia), I received an email from a company based just out of Wrocław, who could fly to Vienna, pick us up and fly us back, for just over $4,000USD. Tobi and I looked at each other, and we said, “yep”.

The next hour was just full of laughing. If there had been any other people in that museum, I’m sure they’d have been quite annoyed. We continued our trip through Slovenia.

We rented e-bikes and rode for 6 hours up through the Alps.

The Julian Alps

We also visited one of the lakes.

One of the lakes in Slovenia

We rented a car, and drove from Lake Bled, through the Northern mountains of the country, all the way to Maribor.

Alps across Austria and Slovenia

We went through a small bit of Austria on the way, too (not to be confused with my home country, Australia).

Crossing the border (twice) into and then out of Austria

A helicopter trip

I had planned our helicopter trip to begin in Vienna approximately 2 hours before sunset in Wrocław. The idea here was that it would be nice to watch the sunset as we arrived in Wrocław.

I generally don’t like to waste things, and considering the helicopter had four seats, I thought it’d be great to invite somebody to join us on this ride. So I invited Maria, from Wrocław: she would be picked up by the helicopter in Wrocław to Vienna, and then fly back with us, on one condition: she had to bring me some pierogi. Why? Because it sounded funny to get a helicopter delivery of pierogi to Vienna, from Poland.

In reality, I actually invited somebody else first (another old Opera friend), but he said, “sorry, it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to take a day off of work to just hop in a random helicopter for fun”. Lol, OK, whatever. I guess Opera is really the right place for him, after all (greetz).

Anyway, so the plan was simple: Tobi and I would take a Flixbus to Vienna, wait for Maria and the helicopter to land, I’d eat a pierogi lunch, and we’d all fly back to Wrocław. But that’s where the real fun begins.

Flixbus to Vienna

It was once implied that Tobi and I are not “serious people”. The above picture was taken to portray that we are serious people. Don’t we look very serious?

Getting to the airport airstrip

In Vienna, we took an Uber to the airport that we were directed to: Stockerau. This is about 35-minutes drive outside of Vienna, and is completely surrounded by farmland and a small village. The Uber driver double checked three times, confirming we actually wanted to go to this airport. Upon arrival, I said, “huh? this isn’t Vienna airport!” to some laughter.

Arriving to the airstrip

As we arrived, the place seemed completely empty; nobody was there, and we didn’t even know who we were looking for. A small building had a bar area inside, but nobody inside.

The bar area

At this stage, we still thought this was an airport – like, a normal-ish airport that flights arrived and departed from semi-regularly.

Eventually, a man opened a door, came outside, and lit up a cigarette, right in front of the “no smoking” sign. For a few seconds, he said nothing, before asking, “who are you? what are you doing here?”

Unpictured: man smoking in front of this sign

Flight registration

As it turned out, this guy was the air-traffic controller (ATC). He explained that he hadn’t gotten any notification regarding our helicopter ride, and that all arrivals had to be pre-confirmed/registered, so something wasn’t right.

He went to his office again and checked. He explained that he found the flight and the flight-path that had been registered, but it had not contacted them for confirmation that they could actually land. He explained that this wasn’t an airport: it was a hobbyist airstrip, which requires a different type of registration, where the ATC must be contacted to confirm that they can actually land at that location.

We then explained what was actually going on: we were just two stupid guys that thought it would be funny to book a helicopter to Poland, “just to see what happens”. Luckily, the guy was really cool, and totally approved of our shenanigans / trouble-making, but was extremely annoyed to hear that we were paying for this experience – because the airstrip is run by volunteers, and is not for commercial landings. He explained that by landing here, the helicopter company only has to pay a nominal 5 Euro fee, rather than Vienna Airport’s fee, 500 Euros. Even if the helicopter company had contacted the airstrip in advance, they would have rejected the landing anyway.

So this was awkward: we were in the middle of nowhere, waiting for a helicopter to arrive for which the ATC wanted to deny the permission to land (but gracefully told us that he would allow it).

Problems in Wrocław

Back in Wrocław, Maria was having her own troubles. She messaged me:

We’re leaving now

I replied, “Great!”

Wait, there’s something wrong

I replied, “that’s a good thing to say while in a helicopter”.

Without going too much into detail, the situation was as follows.

The helicopter that they were originally going to fly to Vienna with, wouldn’t start. Maria explained that the engine wouldn’t turn on, and the pilot had no idea what was wrong, and for 10 minutes, all he did was take his rag, wipe some knobs, and then try to restart the engine – all to no avail. Eventually, he called his boss (his father), who came to the helipad… in his own helicopter. His father also couldn’t get the helicopter to turn on, so he flew the pilot and Maria back to their farm (around 80 km outside of Wrocław) to pick up a spare part, and then all the way back to the helipad (which was ~5km outside of the city). The father stayed in Wrocław with the broken helicopter, and Maria and the pilot headed (in the second helicopter) to Vienna.

Maria, with a helicopter hat

Back in Vienna (or wherever we were)

All the while this was happening, we were continuing our conversations with this ATC, and he was showing us how the whole pre-registration thing works, how they track flights, all while he was actually working (as some light-planes arrived and left).

The helicopter company emailed me stating there was a problem with the helicopter, but they’d be sending a new one – not to worry, it’d only be 30 minutes later than expected!

In reality, the helicopter didn’t leave for nearly an hour and a half after it should have. When receiving these emails, the ATC showed us how the tracking worked, and showed us that no, the helicopter had certainly not left yet.

He also explained that the company had also registered the flight-path incorrectly. They had stated that the helicopter would:

1. land at 18:00 in Vienna,
2. leave Vienna at 17:55.

Why’s that? Because the airstrip closes at 18:00, and legally, they couldn’t depart after that because they couldn’t stay open longer! The guy was extremely upset about this, and clearly thought this helicopter company was full of completely incompetent people.

This guy could have easily just said, “sorry, I’m not going to let the helicopter land here: they have to go to Vienna airport”. He said he’d give us (and the helicopter) time until the final scheduled flight of the day arrived (which was again, just some hobbyist flying their own plane).

Continuing on, this was slightly stressful (albeit quite funny). Tobi mostly kept this guy entertained, as they were speaking German. The guy did speak English, but in this situation, it was definitely better to just let them speak their native language.

Not only did Tobi keep him entertained, he also kept us entertained, and showed us all around the airstrip, including all of the cool planes and gear they’ve got.

Me and Tobi

There were some locals that came to take a look at their planes, and there were even a couple gyro-copters.

The Workshop

He also let us jump in some of the planes.

Me, inside a plane

During this whole excursion, you could tell this guy was very passionate about this whole thing, and he was enjoying showing us around.

However, time was ticking, and we were getting worried. The helicopter still hadn’t left Wrocław, and Maria was … slow to respond.

Eventually, we saw on the map that the helicopter was moving! But, slowly. The company emailed me again stating they’d “be there in 60 minutes”. This guy performed some calculations in his office (which we were invited to watch, to see his cool workstation) and worked out that it was going to take at least 90 minutes. He was supposed to finish work (as with the last flight of the day) in 60 minutes, and the airstrip was officially (legally?) scheduled to close.

He (rightfully so) became more and more impatient, talking about how unprofessional this company has and continues to be – they still had not contacted the airstrip, and the only indication that they were coming here was a flight-log that had been submitted (but not correctly due to the arrival/departure time, and also lack of pre-communication). He was not mad at us.

He came up with an idea: when they arrive, he would pretend not to speak English, and tell the pilot that unless he speaks German, he cannot land here.

We also, completely seriously, guessed that if either the airstrip was closed (which the ATC was well within his right to close, turn all the lights off, and go home at this stage), or the ATC simply denied the landing, the helicopter would have just landed in a field next to it.

Landing

Finally, I could see the helicopter, and ATC got an alert that something was arriving, so he and Tobi went to his office to do his thing.

Maria messaged me: “they won’t let us land”. Indeed.

So, it did a go-around, and took a completely different route. I didn’t find out until later (when the ATC was yelling at the pilot), but the way and direction the pilot took with the helicopter was, again, completely disallowed, as he flew over a bunch of residential homes, which the ATC explained would complain due to the noise. The pilot was supposed to call in, asking how to land. Obviously, he originally didn’t, and had just planned to land as if the airstrip was just some empty field in the middle of nowhere.

For those of you still following this story (why?), it may interest you to learn that the proper way to land a helicopter at an airport (or at least airstrip) is to do it exactly like an airplane.

Maria’s Landing View

Nearly an hour and a half late, Maria arrived with the helicopter (and my pierogi) about 20 minutes before sunset.

Me and Tobi being very serious

Maria, not knowing what drama had been happening for the past few hours with the ATC, was confused when the first thing I told her was that we are in trouble and this is a disaster (half joking).

The ATC came out of his office with Tobi, and we headed to the helicopter. I got my pierogi!

Me and pierogi

The ATC absolutely went off screaming at the pilot, telling him he’s violated every rule / law there is, everything from the lack of communication, to the fact they aren’t even allowed to land at this airstrip, to the fly-over upon arrival.

At first, the pilot tried to talk back (bad idea), saying, “I’ve landed here before” and “my dad has also landed here before, no problem.” He quickly corrected himself by not saying anything except for apologies.

Me and our helicopter

To make matters even worse, the pilot’s self-refuelling included… spilling a bunch of jet fuel on the ground and on the landing bars of the helicopter. Seeing this, the ATC also lost it, and started yelling at the pilot in German.

Pilot refuelling

Words can’t describe the anger, but the pilot’s face was as white as a ghost.

To make matters even more worse, we hadn’t effectively communicated our luggage situation. Tobi had a proper hiking bag, I had a large box with some purchased clothes in it, and the helicopter didn’t really have room for it. The solution? On the middle arm-rest between Maria and Tobi; no straps. I’m sure that’s illegal too, considering if there was turbulence, these things could go flying.

Me, Tobi, and Maria

After one final spraying (yelling) at the pilot from the ATC, Tobi and I privately said our goodbyes to the ATC, and he had a big smile on his face, and was cheerful (with us). He wished us the best, and again, wasn’t mad at us at all. I also gave him one of my bottles of Slovenian wine that I was carrying in my backpack. He tried quite hard to reject it, suggesting that Tobi needed it more than him; but we truly insisted (I had three).

As we were departing, the ATC had one last piece of fun: he demanded the pilot’s full name and flight license number. The pilot obliged; however, he gave a fake name: Kowalski for a surname. I laughed when he said Kowalski, because I knew it was fake straight away (it’s the equivalent of “Doe”, of “John Doe”, in Polish.)

The pilot was clearly upset, swearing in Polish to himself a lot (not very professional; not that we cared, of course), and we tried to calm him down, explaining we’re just two idiots that wanted to have some fun. He concluded that he is an idiot. Having an upset pilot, stressed, anxious, and upset, is a recipe for disaster, so this was in a way a bit annoying because this could have gone really bad really quickly by accident. But it was OK.

Our little slice of heaven, just outside Vienna

We talked a lot with the pilot who was quite nice, and told us all about how helicopters work, his life, his and his father’s business (his father, who was a helicopter pilot for the army), and some of his exciting adventures including his flying in the Tatra mountains, flying some of Poland’s richest people, and so on. He was speaking English and was generally very friendly (albeit maybe a bit embarrassed about the whole situation), and some direct translations from Polish can be really funny. For example, explaining about the top part of the helicopter, he would constantly say “upstairs”. He confirmed that the reason he said “Kowalski” was his last name was because his surname is a typical, un-pronounceable Polish surname, and he didn’t want to piss off this ATC guy even more. Instead of helicopter, he would use the word “chopter”. He told us (because of course I asked), “this helicopter can’t fly upside down, but we have another one that can if you ever want to”. We could open the windows while flying, but I completely forgot about that! Tobi and Maria told me that they remembered, but didn’t want to tell me (something about “taking things too far?!”)

The flight itself was generally uneventful, except for when we got struck by lightning. The pilot said, “that happens; not to worry.” Since we left so late, we practically saw nothing. That’s sad. We saw the border of Austria and Czechia, but as soon as we hit that border, it got completely dark.

Close to Wrocław

Therefore, for me and Tobi, we only have Maria’s photos to see how that route actually looks.

Maria’s view

A few weeks later, Tobi checked his email, and he had received an email from the ATC. The ATC stated that “it was nice to meet you guys, it’s sad you left so soon”.

I think it’s rare that you meet people like that. Truly passionate people, who understand that sometimes life is unpredictable, and you must not take things that don’t matter too seriously.

A priceless story

Our actual helicopter trip was more or less ruined; we saw very little, but that story is priceless.

Me and Tobi, being not so serious